Firstly I want to wish someone well. I wish them peace and healing from the anger and pain they hold inside them. I hope and wish that they are able to find peace in their lives, I hope and wish that they are able to find a balance, to find peace before the anger pushes away everyone who cares about them. More than anything I hope that doesn't happen, because this person is desperately in need of support and love.
It has been an interesting week to say the least. I have lost a friend whom I have known for six years now, someone I met through the Open University and the wonderful community of disabled and chronically ill students there. I was extremely shocked and hurt by something this person said and I responded in a way that, in another time, I may not have.
But in all honesty I have not been in the greatest frame of mind; one of my mom's best friends passed away on Christmas eve, a lady I have known my whole life. Although we knew she was extremely poorly it was still a shock. Thinking about her had lead me to thinking about my gran, who passed away a few months back, my nan whose birthday it was the day that Jan passed away, my father in law, the multiple terminally ill people I have tutored who are no longer with us and so on. I was also thinking about not being able to have children. In short I was feeling rather low and a little sorry for myself.
Still, I had been discussing population with other friends. I had been doing some research and was quite startled to see just how high the population density was in Birmingham in 2011. To me 4000 people per square kilometre is just mind blowing. How on earth can that be sustainable? How on earth can we grow sufficient food for population figures like that to be sustainable long term? Another friend put that into context by telling me that the figures for Kazakhstan is 4 per square kilometre. Wow. Now that is one heck of a difference!
Someone then mentioned the current world-wide population figure of 7 billion and the projected figure of 10 billion by 2050. I responded with shock to that "Wow. We are so fucked. We need to slow the breeding down..." (went on to mention finite resources). The response I received hurt me more than any online response to a discussion that I can remember:
"So which of my children do you want me to get rid of, or is the one that someone else killed enough for now?"
I did not think I deserved that. I still don't think I deserved that. I understand that the person is still hurting these many years after losing a child, that is something that I would imagine is always going to remain with them. I cannot imagine anything worse happening to a parent than losing a child. But...it is not fair to lash out at other people in that fashion, particularly when a completely non-personal conversation is taking place. To suggest to someone that they want people's children to be murdered? Particularly someone who cannot have children and is trying to come to terms with the fact that they never will, someone who has just lost someone; not a child, but someone who has featured throughout a lifetime. It isn't the same, of course it isn't. How could anything ever possibly be like that? But that was neither a fair nor acceptable thing to say.
In response I replied that I had not, nor would I ever say such a despicable thing. That I felt awful about what had happened to their own family.
I did however go on to say that I still feel - unrelated to the person's own family - that the rate that the world's population was increasing at was a problem. That with finite resources available it was unsustainable. We have so many people starving in the world as it is and this is only going to get worse.
The response I received was another angry, hurtful comment. I think that I probably would have simply ignored it, even feeling as low - and now hurt and angry - as I did, but for one particular sentence:
"I don't appreciate being blamed for all the ills in the world because I have a large family."
Um, I don't remember saying that. In fact, I had specifically pointed out that the discussion was unrelated to personal circumstances, that it was talking about population growth - not existing population and certainly not someone's personal situation.
As I say, on another day I may not have lost my temper at that point. Then again, I might. I'm still quite angry and very, very hurt by someone suggesting that I wanted their children killed or that I would be pleased that one had been.
I do have a copy of what I said and, if you remove the swear words, it was perfectly polite up to part way through. The swear words make it less so. I acknowledged that the person was/is hurting, again said that it was an awful thing that happened. However I pointed out that I had not deserved to be attacked in such a way, that I had not said anything to this person to prompt such a response, that I was having a discussion with someone else over the planetary population figures and that surely I was entitled to say what the fuck I wanted on my fucking wall without being accused of wanting to fucking well murder people's children. I said that while it was different (isn't it for everyone?) other people were grieving too at this time of year, myself included.
The person promptly 'un-friended' me after 6 years. Another time I would not have reacted how I did. I shouldn't have - what I should have done is remove the offensive post and sent a message explaining why I had removed it - in fact I did do this afterwards reiterating yet again how terrible the situation is and how much I feel for this person. That I have supported, backed, listened to this person time after time over the years; that I had considered them a good friend and still did. I haven't had a response and doubt that I will. This person did post a rather angry - and inaccurate - post as to why they had un-friended me on their wall - someone very generously sent me a copy via email...
This person has a tendency to react in a very angry and often negative way to posts that are not aimed at them. They have blocked people in the past, frequently make remarks about others aiming posts at them (when they aren't) and generally over-react to inconsequential things.
I am sad. I am. But - right now my biggest emotion is one of pity. I feel so sorry for this person. There is such a lot of anger, pain and fear that just spills out so often. I genuinely believe that this person is in trouble psychologically speaking, stuck in that terrible, terrible moment and unable to move past it. I cannot imagine how awful it was (and is) and I am worried for them. I can only hope that they find some balance in the future and wish them well.
