One of the more annoying symptoms of fibromyalgia that I experience is insomnia. I know that to people who sleep properly and may occasionally experience a little bit of sleeplessness it may sound mild. It is not. Insomnia is a bitch of a symptom that wreaks havoc with your mind and body.
How can I describe fibro in a way that those who do not have it can understand? I am honestly not sure, but I will try this: imagine having influenza all the time. Not "I've got a cold but I'm going to say it's flu" but real, full-blown influenza. The constant ache throughout your muscles and joints, feeling like your finger joints have swollen to twice their normal size despite there being no visible sign of this. Add onto that the frequent and dreaded 'fibro fog' where your brain simply decides to quit on you. Short term memory vanishes, while words you use everyday pack their bags and walk out the door. The aches throughout the body are not mild, although I suppose they are for some. For me it is constant pain that just varies in intensity from "Holy shit, that hurts" through to "Someone please shoot me now".
In short there physically speaking, it is not a nice condition. There are a myriad of connected symptoms that vary from person to person and cannot be predicted.
For most of us the fatigue is a pretty major symptom to begin with, so adding the insomnia into it can drag you from mildly tired and a wee bit irritable to destroying the world with a single word, should any poor soul be silly enough to speak to you.
I have to say that having had only a couple of hours sleep, on top of the fatigue I already have, has actually left me too tired to be irritable. Or maybe I am just forgetting to be irritable.
Normally if I am going through a bad insomnia phase I sit in the living room (my version of sitting it often somewhere in between sitting and lying down) and do something productive and different. I will list something on ebay or draw, write, anything that is different and more interesting than lying in bed. I think the worst thing that an insomniac can do is just lie there in bed; if I do that, all I do is end up thinking and getting irritable that I cannot sleep. On the other hand if I sit/lye in the living room and do something it takes my mind off the fact that I cannot sleep. I start to get sleepy - and have been known to fall asleep sitting up....
I have had long discussions with my GP about insomnia and neither of us are keen on the idea of additional medication - not after I have worked so hard to cut so many meds out. Between us we have come to the conclusion that it is not necessarily that the pain increases if I have not slept, but rather that my ability to cope with it decreases dramatically.
So, after not sleeping well for a few days my body becomes even more sluggish than usual and my brain is not only slow, but also lowering my ability to cope with the pain I am in. Should I follow the advice of many OT's and not sleep during the day and hope against hope that results in me getting a good night's sleep? No thanks. Not for me, as I have been there and tried that. It really did not work for me, in fact it made things worse. I think everyone has to find their own coping technique, there cannot be a 'one technique fits all' approach from our support services. We are all individuals and deserve an individual approach to managing our symptoms, including insomnia.
Lastly, I apologise if this sounds a little off in places, or if I have wandered off topic, but I have had around five hours sleep in the past three days. I am a little brain-weary right now.
Tuesday 30 April 2013
Monday 29 April 2013
New bathroom
Having the workmen in can be a stressful for anyone, for someone with a chronic condition it can have an enormous impact.
We're having the bathroom done; with the guys due to arrive anywhere from eight thirty, it meant that I had to get up at 'healthy person' times. When I was healthy I often used to be in work for seven in the morning, then finish at three. Admittedly when I first started working, we were not allowed to actually enter the building or start until seven thirty, so I used to arrive and collapse on the sofa in the lobby and chat to Paul, the security guy. There were times that I would arrive straight from a night out, or still drunk from the night before. Paul always found it highly amusing. We used to have some good chats, though i wish he had not insisted on telling the senior management team that they should promote me while they were walking through the lobby after doing promotion interviews one day.....
That, however, is long in the past. Nowadays, while I can still be wide awake at three in the morning, getting out of bed is almost an Olympic event. It takes a great deal of time and effort, and I feel like I have been in training and preparation for ages for this week. They were due to arrive around eight thirty this morning, which meant that the alarm was going off at seven. It took me until seven forty-five to even sit up. I am not going to tell you how long it took me to shower and get into clothes, nor shall I mention how much assistance I required to do so. I am sure that my disabled friends can take a wild guess, while my able-bodied friends are left wondering what on earth I am talking about.
Still, I was actually dressed and (in theory) awake by eight thirty. Actually, no, that is a lie. What I was at eight thirty was in a drugged (medicated) haze sitting on the bed wondering whether I should attempt to move or not. In the end the effort of getting out of bed, showered and dressed made the decision for me and I fell asleep again. Although I woke up at various point through the day I actually never even met the men who spent most of the day dismantling the bathroom. I have to say that they have worked extremely hard. The bath is gone, sink is out, there's new plasterboard up, tiles delivered and we actually have an extractor fan.
They're here for the next two days; I think tomorrow they're doing the tiling and putting in the shower tray etc, then Wednesday it will be the shower itself and the 'disability' bit - the grab rails and shower seat.
Now that part is fantastic and I'm really looking forward to having a new bathroom, but the next two days are going to be interesting. I have to admit that I am dreading getting up early in the morning, especially as I have a doctors appointment so will have to get to moms for a shower as early as possible before the doctors. Right now I'm thinking of cancelling the appointment as it's a case of balancing what I can manage and making sure that I do not overdo it.
We're having the bathroom done; with the guys due to arrive anywhere from eight thirty, it meant that I had to get up at 'healthy person' times. When I was healthy I often used to be in work for seven in the morning, then finish at three. Admittedly when I first started working, we were not allowed to actually enter the building or start until seven thirty, so I used to arrive and collapse on the sofa in the lobby and chat to Paul, the security guy. There were times that I would arrive straight from a night out, or still drunk from the night before. Paul always found it highly amusing. We used to have some good chats, though i wish he had not insisted on telling the senior management team that they should promote me while they were walking through the lobby after doing promotion interviews one day.....
That, however, is long in the past. Nowadays, while I can still be wide awake at three in the morning, getting out of bed is almost an Olympic event. It takes a great deal of time and effort, and I feel like I have been in training and preparation for ages for this week. They were due to arrive around eight thirty this morning, which meant that the alarm was going off at seven. It took me until seven forty-five to even sit up. I am not going to tell you how long it took me to shower and get into clothes, nor shall I mention how much assistance I required to do so. I am sure that my disabled friends can take a wild guess, while my able-bodied friends are left wondering what on earth I am talking about.
Still, I was actually dressed and (in theory) awake by eight thirty. Actually, no, that is a lie. What I was at eight thirty was in a drugged (medicated) haze sitting on the bed wondering whether I should attempt to move or not. In the end the effort of getting out of bed, showered and dressed made the decision for me and I fell asleep again. Although I woke up at various point through the day I actually never even met the men who spent most of the day dismantling the bathroom. I have to say that they have worked extremely hard. The bath is gone, sink is out, there's new plasterboard up, tiles delivered and we actually have an extractor fan.
They're here for the next two days; I think tomorrow they're doing the tiling and putting in the shower tray etc, then Wednesday it will be the shower itself and the 'disability' bit - the grab rails and shower seat.
Now that part is fantastic and I'm really looking forward to having a new bathroom, but the next two days are going to be interesting. I have to admit that I am dreading getting up early in the morning, especially as I have a doctors appointment so will have to get to moms for a shower as early as possible before the doctors. Right now I'm thinking of cancelling the appointment as it's a case of balancing what I can manage and making sure that I do not overdo it.
Saturday 27 April 2013
Living with chronic pain
My husband and I were talking to a friend recently about pain, what it is like to live with and how we cope with it.
Now looking briefly at my GP's letter to the DWP, I am diagnosed with fibromyalgia, CRPS, unusual forms of migraine that affect one side of the body and endometriosis - as far as pain conditions go. My husband also has chronic pain from two collapsed vertebrae, which impact on the nerve going down his right arm and have caused damage, as well as a serious leg injury which is currently undergoing treatment. We know a little about living with pain.
People who do not have pain will occasionally say things like "You get used to pain" or "After a while you start to not feel it so much". Both of these statements are completely inaccurate. You do not get used to pain, although you get used to being in pain. Those are completely different things. The pain is still there and you still feel it as much as you ever did, but you become so used to being in that much pain that when you have brief moments where it vanishes you are utterly surprised. Often you do not realise what has happened until that brief moment has passed and the pain is back.
Does living with chronic pain mean that you cannot be productive?
Of course it does not! Many people are still able to live full and realtively normal lives while being in chronic pain. They may have to make some adjustments to the way they do things or use coping methods, but they are still able to work. They are still able to walk, to do their hobbies, socialise and generally live their lives.
For some people, like me, the pain is more wide-spread and more serious. That does not mean that I am unable to enjoy life though, it just means that I have to do things differently to other people. I live in a combination of having to plan things ahead of time and being aware that even with long-standing plans I may have to cancel at the last minute because of the severity of pain I am experiencing.
I spend most of my time bed bound. The pain is not my only problem, in fact for me it is not the worst problem. But it is one of the more significant reasons that I end up stuck in bed and not able to leave my home. There are some hobbies that have fallen by the wayside purely because I am no longer physically able to do them. But I have also picked up some hobbies that I had abandoned long ago, like my drawing. I also study, I write - for example - My 'zombie blog', though that is not the only writing I do (really it's just something silly to keep me entertained). I also have a try at different things, some of which I decide are not for me, but others I pick up and do on the odd occasion; I have a half knitted scarf sitting beside my as I type, I have a book on patchwork on the other side of me. I read a huge amount of fiction, largely sci-fi and horror because I like to escape.
You do not have to be a brilliant artist to draw, you do not have to be a brilliant writer to write and you do not have to be the greatest singer in the world to sing. Whatever hobby you do that keeps you entertained is fantastic and who cares how good your are at it - the only person whose opinion matters is yours. If it is fun and you enjoy it, then do it.
The point of bringing up my hobbies is this: when you live in constant, agonising pain you need a distraction. You cannot have people talking to you 24/7 because sometimes your brain will not work, or sometimes you will be so angry and frustrated at the pain that you cannot tolerate other people around you. They also may not want to be on the receiving end of your temper all the time, no matter how much they love you. Hobbies can be a wonderful distraction and they form part of our combination of methods of coping and managing the pain.
Yes, I am medicated. I am on morphine patches, which give me a constant steady feed of drugs. I take a whole host of other medications, not all for pain. But I tell you what, distraction works almost better than the meds.
Having people visit can be wonderful though and the best distraction/medicine going. They say that laughter is a wonderful medicine and I cannot disagree. Spending too much time alone can be dangerous for a pain patient. It gives our brains too much time to think on the negative things in our lives and we can end up becoming depressed, or worse. We need people around us, but we also need people to be patient and understand that living with chronic pain is difficult. It can make us forgetful, partially because of medication, and it can make us a bit short tempered and irritable. Keep talking to us for more than a few minutes though and I promise that not only will we have fun, you will also make more difference to the life of a chronic pain sufferer than you can ever understand
I would say that is it probably best to just drop a quick call or text first to make sure I am awake or there is a chance you will just be knocking and knocking with no answer. Of course, if I am on my own I will not actually be able to get to the door to answer it anyway - though I guess we could shout through the letter box! The bedroom is next to the front door, sort of, so that could work - see, I'm adaptable. Huh! I am pretty sure I read that it was the species and people that were able to adapt quickly that survived the last ice age. On that logic pain patients are the perfect survivors; there is no-one more adapatable than a pain patient who happens to be a good self-manager!
Now looking briefly at my GP's letter to the DWP, I am diagnosed with fibromyalgia, CRPS, unusual forms of migraine that affect one side of the body and endometriosis - as far as pain conditions go. My husband also has chronic pain from two collapsed vertebrae, which impact on the nerve going down his right arm and have caused damage, as well as a serious leg injury which is currently undergoing treatment. We know a little about living with pain.
People who do not have pain will occasionally say things like "You get used to pain" or "After a while you start to not feel it so much". Both of these statements are completely inaccurate. You do not get used to pain, although you get used to being in pain. Those are completely different things. The pain is still there and you still feel it as much as you ever did, but you become so used to being in that much pain that when you have brief moments where it vanishes you are utterly surprised. Often you do not realise what has happened until that brief moment has passed and the pain is back.
Does living with chronic pain mean that you cannot be productive?
Of course it does not! Many people are still able to live full and realtively normal lives while being in chronic pain. They may have to make some adjustments to the way they do things or use coping methods, but they are still able to work. They are still able to walk, to do their hobbies, socialise and generally live their lives.
For some people, like me, the pain is more wide-spread and more serious. That does not mean that I am unable to enjoy life though, it just means that I have to do things differently to other people. I live in a combination of having to plan things ahead of time and being aware that even with long-standing plans I may have to cancel at the last minute because of the severity of pain I am experiencing.
I spend most of my time bed bound. The pain is not my only problem, in fact for me it is not the worst problem. But it is one of the more significant reasons that I end up stuck in bed and not able to leave my home. There are some hobbies that have fallen by the wayside purely because I am no longer physically able to do them. But I have also picked up some hobbies that I had abandoned long ago, like my drawing. I also study, I write - for example - My 'zombie blog', though that is not the only writing I do (really it's just something silly to keep me entertained). I also have a try at different things, some of which I decide are not for me, but others I pick up and do on the odd occasion; I have a half knitted scarf sitting beside my as I type, I have a book on patchwork on the other side of me. I read a huge amount of fiction, largely sci-fi and horror because I like to escape.
You do not have to be a brilliant artist to draw, you do not have to be a brilliant writer to write and you do not have to be the greatest singer in the world to sing. Whatever hobby you do that keeps you entertained is fantastic and who cares how good your are at it - the only person whose opinion matters is yours. If it is fun and you enjoy it, then do it.
The point of bringing up my hobbies is this: when you live in constant, agonising pain you need a distraction. You cannot have people talking to you 24/7 because sometimes your brain will not work, or sometimes you will be so angry and frustrated at the pain that you cannot tolerate other people around you. They also may not want to be on the receiving end of your temper all the time, no matter how much they love you. Hobbies can be a wonderful distraction and they form part of our combination of methods of coping and managing the pain.
Yes, I am medicated. I am on morphine patches, which give me a constant steady feed of drugs. I take a whole host of other medications, not all for pain. But I tell you what, distraction works almost better than the meds.
Having people visit can be wonderful though and the best distraction/medicine going. They say that laughter is a wonderful medicine and I cannot disagree. Spending too much time alone can be dangerous for a pain patient. It gives our brains too much time to think on the negative things in our lives and we can end up becoming depressed, or worse. We need people around us, but we also need people to be patient and understand that living with chronic pain is difficult. It can make us forgetful, partially because of medication, and it can make us a bit short tempered and irritable. Keep talking to us for more than a few minutes though and I promise that not only will we have fun, you will also make more difference to the life of a chronic pain sufferer than you can ever understand
I would say that is it probably best to just drop a quick call or text first to make sure I am awake or there is a chance you will just be knocking and knocking with no answer. Of course, if I am on my own I will not actually be able to get to the door to answer it anyway - though I guess we could shout through the letter box! The bedroom is next to the front door, sort of, so that could work - see, I'm adaptable. Huh! I am pretty sure I read that it was the species and people that were able to adapt quickly that survived the last ice age. On that logic pain patients are the perfect survivors; there is no-one more adapatable than a pain patient who happens to be a good self-manager!
Thursday 25 April 2013
Mental Olympics
I have always struggled to maintain concentration on one subject. At school I could be sitting in a classroom and a passing cloud would completely capture me; I would have no clue what happened in the rest of the lesson because I had gone away into my own head, my own imagination. As an adult, I am forced to admit that nothing has changed.
I cannot do one thing at a time. I quite literally cannot. My mind is in too many places, jumping over all the possibilities, all the entertaining things that there are; things that I could be doing. I have never, ever been able to read 'just' one book at a time. I have several on the go at any one moment and will jump in and out of them at random, switching from story to story. In between I will draw, or watch TV or talk or...the list is endless.
I genuinely cannot say whether having fibromyalgia has changed this. If I try and think about it, try and focus for a minute, I think that nothing has changed that much. I still fit and have to be doing several different things at the same time. The only thing that really throws me is noise. I have never had much tolerance for noise - neither have my brother, or my mom - but now it is as though all noise blends into one. If there is background noise and you ask me a question, please do not expect an answer. All I will have heard is a random noise that will not have made much sense to me. A little like Charlie Brown's teacher where all you hear is "Wah, wah, wah, wah".
Mind you, saying that I'm sitting here typing one thing while having a conversation with Pete about people murdering apple trees (cutting them down), so maybe it is not quite as bad as I sometimes think.
I cannot do one thing at a time. I quite literally cannot. My mind is in too many places, jumping over all the possibilities, all the entertaining things that there are; things that I could be doing. I have never, ever been able to read 'just' one book at a time. I have several on the go at any one moment and will jump in and out of them at random, switching from story to story. In between I will draw, or watch TV or talk or...the list is endless.
I genuinely cannot say whether having fibromyalgia has changed this. If I try and think about it, try and focus for a minute, I think that nothing has changed that much. I still fit and have to be doing several different things at the same time. The only thing that really throws me is noise. I have never had much tolerance for noise - neither have my brother, or my mom - but now it is as though all noise blends into one. If there is background noise and you ask me a question, please do not expect an answer. All I will have heard is a random noise that will not have made much sense to me. A little like Charlie Brown's teacher where all you hear is "Wah, wah, wah, wah".
Mind you, saying that I'm sitting here typing one thing while having a conversation with Pete about people murdering apple trees (cutting them down), so maybe it is not quite as bad as I sometimes think.
Wednesday 24 April 2013
Okay, I admit to being lazy and needing a good push in the right direction
Actually made it to Weight Watchers for the second week in a row, which is fairly unusual for me as for quite a while now I have generally only been well enough to go once every four or five weeks. I am definitely not complaining as I actually lost two pound this week. I am not thinking about how many more pounds I need to lose, just concentrating on trying to eat sensibly using home made food prepared by my Chef (aka my husband, Pete). I do like that Jane, our Weight Watchers Leader has such a strong focus on freshly prepared food and has done since before Weight Watchers jumped on her band wagon. She has also had a focus on moving more and exercise for a long, long time and does encourage people no matter what their circumstances. This is not an advertisement for Weight Watchers, more like praise where it is due for a lady who had the right idea long before anyone official came out and agreed.
I think that for me the only way I actually lose weight is to really have a lot of structure. That means planning meals for the week, including snacks if possible and making sure that I stick with that plan. Admittedly an A1 sized flip chart sheet sitting in the living room is hard to miss, but even with it being on full view, there is the option of ignoring it. However I know that if I ignoring it my arse is gradually going to get bigger and bigger until I actually become wedged in a doorway and someone has to call the fire brigade to rescue me. Not really the image I want to leave a load of firemen with!
I do have a tendency to be the same with everything. It really is not only the food planning and weight loss that ends up being last minute and guesswork. It is certainly something that I have found myself doing time and time again when it comes to essays and studying. Yet get me on a subject I am truly interested in and I will do well; for example the OU's now defunct course "AA310: Film and Television History" was the best course I have ever done with them. I actually enjoyed doing research and writing essays. I found the subject fascinating, particularly my last essay where I discussed feminism in Joss Whedon's series 'Firefly'. Sounds odd, I know, but there is already some interesting research and academic writing on the subject in general and Joss Whedon's many TV series in particular. I ended up gaining a distinction on that course and came very close to getting a First Class Honours degree because of the renewed interest that course inspired in studying.
Unfortunately the interest in studying is rapidly on the decline right now. I get interested in my current course for about five minutes, then realise that I do actually find the tutor mildly irritating and the course rather bleurgh. I think that once this current degree is completed, my second with the Open University, that will be it with that particular institution. They are moving away from the freedom of choice that made the University an attractive alternative and becoming much more like a traditional University. Yet many of those 'traditional' institutions seem to be moving more in the direction of some truly inspiring distance learning courses. All good things come to an end, I guess.
I think that for me the only way I actually lose weight is to really have a lot of structure. That means planning meals for the week, including snacks if possible and making sure that I stick with that plan. Admittedly an A1 sized flip chart sheet sitting in the living room is hard to miss, but even with it being on full view, there is the option of ignoring it. However I know that if I ignoring it my arse is gradually going to get bigger and bigger until I actually become wedged in a doorway and someone has to call the fire brigade to rescue me. Not really the image I want to leave a load of firemen with!
I do have a tendency to be the same with everything. It really is not only the food planning and weight loss that ends up being last minute and guesswork. It is certainly something that I have found myself doing time and time again when it comes to essays and studying. Yet get me on a subject I am truly interested in and I will do well; for example the OU's now defunct course "AA310: Film and Television History" was the best course I have ever done with them. I actually enjoyed doing research and writing essays. I found the subject fascinating, particularly my last essay where I discussed feminism in Joss Whedon's series 'Firefly'. Sounds odd, I know, but there is already some interesting research and academic writing on the subject in general and Joss Whedon's many TV series in particular. I ended up gaining a distinction on that course and came very close to getting a First Class Honours degree because of the renewed interest that course inspired in studying.
Unfortunately the interest in studying is rapidly on the decline right now. I get interested in my current course for about five minutes, then realise that I do actually find the tutor mildly irritating and the course rather bleurgh. I think that once this current degree is completed, my second with the Open University, that will be it with that particular institution. They are moving away from the freedom of choice that made the University an attractive alternative and becoming much more like a traditional University. Yet many of those 'traditional' institutions seem to be moving more in the direction of some truly inspiring distance learning courses. All good things come to an end, I guess.
Saturday 20 April 2013
Here's to being who I am, instead of who people think I should be
I have started to get back into sketching. I have done a little drawing now and again over the years, but the last time I picked up a pencil with serious intent was over twenty years ago.
As I picked the pencil up and started sketching for the first time I have to admit that I was convinced my drawing would look like something a five year old had done. I was pleasantly surprised that it came out okay. I am never going to be the greatest artist in the world, I know that, but I do love to draw.
When I was in my teens my love of heavy metal and rock music did influence my choice of subject matter. Well, that plus the fact that I really hate to draw 'nice' scenes. Rolling landscapes or close ups of flowers may interest other people, they may even be pretty to look at, but they really are not something that I have any interest in drawing. So, I draw portraits of rock stars and more than a couple of Iron Maiden's mascot - Eddie. Oddly enough I have attempted another drawing of Eddie amongst my new sketches. I wanted to see if I could still draw like that, if the years of not really drawing anything much had taken their toll and I had lost whatever abilities I had to begin with. I have not had time to upload my most recent attempt, so I thought I would upload an old drawing. I think this was from when I seventeen years old.
I had always had trouble with colour when I was young. I did do a monotone painting for my art exams at school, but I have to say that it was probably because I was pushed into it. I actually took my art folder in to my teacher (who sadly passed away far too young) to see what he thought. I was pleasantly surprised that he liked them. He asked me why I did not draw in the same style for my art classes. I still cannot find an answer to that one. If I was suddenly sent back in time, perhaps I would happily shock the rest of the art department and do things my way.
Now that is exactly what I can do now. Not the shocking the art department part, the doing things my way. I always felt under pressure to do things someone else's way, I felt that I had to try and fit in. Yet I found school impossibly awkward. I felt like I didn't understand what I was supposed to do, how I was supposed to fit in. I would often say, or do, things that were not what everyone else felt that I should do. I struggled to understand people's signals, you know? Body language and emotions just did not always compute with me. If there was something going on where I had to be in a group of people I felt out of place. I had no clue how to behave in a way that would make people 'like' me, though I did try. I always felt like I was trying to play a game that no-one had told me the rules to and I was struggling to play catch up all the time.
Now it is a different story. Work gave me confidence that I had been lacking. Although it was a hellish place at times, it did give me that. I didn't always fit in there, but I had stopped caring. Now that I'm here, bed bound most of the time, house bound pretty much all the rest of the time, I can be who I am without fear or worry about anyone else. And I can draw exactly what I like. So as soon as I remember to photograph my new drawing I am going to upload it to show you all. In the mean time I hope you like my teenage attempt at Eddie.
As I picked the pencil up and started sketching for the first time I have to admit that I was convinced my drawing would look like something a five year old had done. I was pleasantly surprised that it came out okay. I am never going to be the greatest artist in the world, I know that, but I do love to draw.
When I was in my teens my love of heavy metal and rock music did influence my choice of subject matter. Well, that plus the fact that I really hate to draw 'nice' scenes. Rolling landscapes or close ups of flowers may interest other people, they may even be pretty to look at, but they really are not something that I have any interest in drawing. So, I draw portraits of rock stars and more than a couple of Iron Maiden's mascot - Eddie. Oddly enough I have attempted another drawing of Eddie amongst my new sketches. I wanted to see if I could still draw like that, if the years of not really drawing anything much had taken their toll and I had lost whatever abilities I had to begin with. I have not had time to upload my most recent attempt, so I thought I would upload an old drawing. I think this was from when I seventeen years old.
I had always had trouble with colour when I was young. I did do a monotone painting for my art exams at school, but I have to say that it was probably because I was pushed into it. I actually took my art folder in to my teacher (who sadly passed away far too young) to see what he thought. I was pleasantly surprised that he liked them. He asked me why I did not draw in the same style for my art classes. I still cannot find an answer to that one. If I was suddenly sent back in time, perhaps I would happily shock the rest of the art department and do things my way.
Now that is exactly what I can do now. Not the shocking the art department part, the doing things my way. I always felt under pressure to do things someone else's way, I felt that I had to try and fit in. Yet I found school impossibly awkward. I felt like I didn't understand what I was supposed to do, how I was supposed to fit in. I would often say, or do, things that were not what everyone else felt that I should do. I struggled to understand people's signals, you know? Body language and emotions just did not always compute with me. If there was something going on where I had to be in a group of people I felt out of place. I had no clue how to behave in a way that would make people 'like' me, though I did try. I always felt like I was trying to play a game that no-one had told me the rules to and I was struggling to play catch up all the time.
Now it is a different story. Work gave me confidence that I had been lacking. Although it was a hellish place at times, it did give me that. I didn't always fit in there, but I had stopped caring. Now that I'm here, bed bound most of the time, house bound pretty much all the rest of the time, I can be who I am without fear or worry about anyone else. And I can draw exactly what I like. So as soon as I remember to photograph my new drawing I am going to upload it to show you all. In the mean time I hope you like my teenage attempt at Eddie.
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