One size does not fit every insomniac

One of the more annoying symptoms of fibromyalgia that I experience is insomnia. I know that to people who sleep properly and may occasionally experience a little bit of sleeplessness it may sound mild. It is not. Insomnia is a bitch of a symptom that wreaks havoc with your mind and body. 

How can I describe fibro in a way that those who do not have it can understand? I am honestly not sure, but I will try this: imagine having influenza all the time. Not "I've got a cold but I'm going to say it's flu" but real, full-blown influenza. The constant ache throughout your muscles and joints, feeling like your finger joints have swollen to twice their normal size despite there being no visible sign of this. Add onto that the frequent and dreaded 'fibro fog' where your brain simply decides to quit on you. Short term memory vanishes, while words you use everyday pack their bags and walk out the door. The aches throughout the body are not mild, although I suppose they are for some. For me it is constant pain that just varies in intensity from "Holy shit, that hurts" through to "Someone please shoot me now". 

In short there physically speaking, it is not a nice condition. There are a myriad of connected symptoms that vary from person to person and cannot be predicted. 

For most of us the fatigue is a pretty major symptom to begin with, so adding the insomnia into it can drag you from mildly tired and a wee bit irritable to destroying the world with a single word, should any poor soul be silly enough to speak to you. 

I have to say that having had only a couple of hours sleep, on top of the fatigue I already have, has actually left me too tired to be irritable. Or maybe I am just forgetting to be irritable. 

Normally if I am going through a bad insomnia phase I sit in the living room (my version of sitting it often somewhere in between sitting and lying down) and do something productive and different. I will list something on ebay or draw, write, anything that is different and more interesting than lying in bed. I think the worst thing that an insomniac can do is just lie there in bed; if I do that, all I do is end up thinking and getting irritable that I cannot sleep. On the other hand if I sit/lye in the living room and do something it takes my mind off the fact that I cannot sleep. I start to get sleepy - and have been known to fall asleep sitting up....

I have had long discussions with my GP about insomnia and neither of us are keen on the idea of additional medication - not after I have worked so hard to cut so many meds out. Between us we have come to the conclusion that it is not necessarily that the pain increases if I have not slept, but rather that my ability to cope with it decreases dramatically. 

So, after not sleeping well for a few days my body becomes even more sluggish than usual and my brain is not only slow, but also lowering my ability to cope with the pain I am in. Should I follow the advice of many OT's and not sleep during the day and hope against hope that results in me getting a good night's sleep? No thanks. Not for me, as I have been there and tried that. It really did not work for me, in fact it made things worse. I think everyone has to find their own coping technique, there cannot be a 'one technique fits all' approach from our support services. We are all individuals and deserve an individual approach to managing our symptoms, including insomnia. 

Lastly, I apologise if this sounds a little off in places, or if I have wandered off topic, but I have had around five hours sleep in the past three days. I am a little brain-weary right now.

Here's to being who I am, instead of who people think I should be

I have started to get back into sketching. I have done a little drawing now and again over the years, but the last time I picked up a pencil with serious intent was over twenty years ago. 

As I picked the pencil up and started sketching for the first time I have to admit that I was convinced my drawing would look like something a five year old had done. I was pleasantly surprised that it came out okay. I am never going to be the greatest artist in the world, I know that, but I do love to draw. 

When I was in my teens my love of heavy metal and rock music did influence my choice of subject matter. Well, that plus the fact that I really hate to draw 'nice' scenes. Rolling landscapes or close ups of flowers may interest other people, they may even be pretty to look at, but they really are not something that I have any interest in drawing. So, I draw portraits of rock stars and more than a couple of Iron Maiden's mascot - Eddie. Oddly enough I have attempted another drawing of Eddie amongst my new sketches. I wanted to see if I could still draw like that, if the years of not really drawing anything much had taken their toll and I had lost whatever abilities I had to begin with. I have not had time to upload my most recent attempt, so I thought I would upload an old drawing. I think this was from when I seventeen years old.

I had always had trouble with colour when I was young. I did do a monotone painting for my art exams at school, but I have to say that it was probably because I was pushed into it. I actually took my art folder in to my teacher (who sadly passed away far too young) to see what he thought. I was pleasantly surprised that he liked them. He asked me why I did not draw in the same style for my art classes. I still cannot find an answer to that one. If I was suddenly sent back in time, perhaps I would happily shock the rest of the art department and do things my way. 

Now that is exactly what I can do now. Not the shocking the art department  part, the doing things my way. I always felt under pressure to do things someone else's way, I felt that I had to try and fit in. Yet I found school impossibly awkward. I felt like I didn't understand what I was supposed to do, how I was supposed to fit in. I would often say, or do, things that were not what everyone else felt that I should do. I struggled to understand people's signals, you know? Body language and emotions just did not always compute with me. If there was something going on where I had to be in a group of people I felt out of place. I had no clue how to behave in a way that would make people 'like' me, though I did try. I always felt like I was trying to play a game that no-one had told me the rules to and I was struggling to play catch up all the time. 

Now it is a different story. Work gave me confidence that I had been lacking. Although it was a hellish place at times, it did give me that. I didn't always fit in there, but I had stopped caring. Now that I'm here, bed bound most of the time, house bound pretty much all the rest of the time, I can be who I am without fear or worry about anyone else. And I can draw exactly what I like. So as soon as I remember to photograph my new drawing I am going to upload it to show you all. In the mean time I hope you like my teenage attempt at Eddie.

Brain hop-scotch

For the past week or so my brain has gone into hyper-drive, jumping from one subject to another and finding it impossible to settle. I am struggling to know how I feel at the moment, what I want to do to fill my time and a million other things. Nothing feels right, I feel sort of mentally itchy and uncomfortable in my own skin. 

I have also got it into my head that I have offended someone; a specific someone who is a friend and I simply cannot get the thought to go away. I have no clue why I think that, I cannot think of anything that I may have done but the thought and feeling remain there anyway. I do not exactly know what to say or do; I mean how do you ask someone if you have done something to offend when in all likelihood asking them that is likely to cause more offence than if you had just behaved like a sane person to begin with. 

Ah, well. Sanity is, perhaps, over-rated anyway!

I have started drawing again (and cannot remember if I already blogged about that) as I enjoy it and thought that it might be good for my hands, which have been incredibly painful lately. It has got to have been a good ten years or so since I last picked up an pencil, so I am actually quite pleased with the first result - not that I am going to put it on here! That would just be disturbing.... if only because of my chosen subject matter. I tend to draw disturbing images, the dead or horror figures, things that live in nightmares and horror movies. For some reason when people meet me they never think that I am going to be a horror or metal fan. I can never understand why; I presume I am supposed to look like some archaic 1980s view of 'rockers' or something rather than just a fat chick in a wheelchair. 

I have also decided to start getting some of my short story ideas down in writing (thank goodness for Dragon; mine is named Sid). Again I do have a tendency to head straight towards horror and sci-fi, because that is what I know. It is what I read most of, although intellectual snobs do like to put down anything that they 'genre' fiction. All I can say is that they are missing out and therefore likely to be the first one's eaten come the zombie apocalypse. Oh, come on! Like there aren't a few politicians out there that you secretly hope zombies will chow down on.