Does anyone else get competitive with themselves?

A serious question; does anyone else get competitive with themselves? I mean stupidly so, to the point where you actually put yourself into a negative situation in some way. I do. I am honest enough to admit that. I do get competitive with other people, although I don't tell them, but it is when I get competitive with myself that I end up getting in trouble. What can I say? I am my father's daughter and I have his competitive nature.

Me and my dad

That was okay, to a degree, when I was healthy. I used to enjoy weight-training and bought myself a multi-gym when I was 16; it was great fun and I really enjoyed the competitiveness. The fact that I could see progress in the amount of weight I was using and the number of sets, as well as definition. Yes, I know, looking at me now it's hard to believe, but I did have pretty good biceps, triceps, quads and calves in particular. Leg work was always my favourite.

So when I had a Wii back in 2007, coinciding with an improvement in my health conditions, I did the same as I always had. I got competitive with myself. The game records all your stats so you know how much you are doing each day and whether you have improved. I started off quite sensibly doing five minutes of yoga a day. Now that may not sound a lot to a healthy person, but believe me when you have health conditions with pain and fatigue as two of the main symptoms, it is an awful lot.

The best I had been for over three years; I managed a boat ride and sitting on the beach.

My competitive problem reared its head a couple of weeks down the line, when I started to increase the amount I was doing. Now that is something that pacing suggests, that you gradually increase the amount you are doing. The key word in that sentence is 'gradually'. I got carried away. At one point I was up to an hour a day yoga and cardio. I didn't go beyond that, but even though that was spread out through the day in five or ten minute sessions, it was far, far too much for someone whose fibromyalgia and M.E. are as severe as mine. 

The result was that I crashed. I ended up being stuck in bed not for days, or weeks, but for months, with only brief periods of being able to get out of bed. This was particularly frustrating because I had started studying with the Open University again in February 2007. Even with that, despite taking the exam at home, I attempted to type it. I almost passed out while I was doing the final essay because I was in so much pain. The sweat was  pouring off me and my invigilator was all for calling a doctor out. I called time on the final essay, leaving it part done - another frustration - and that was the point when I crashed.

My graduation in November 2013

I can't even say that I learned my lesson, because I didn't. I started volunteering as a tutor with the Expert Patient Programme course in 2008. Rather than doing the requested two courses a year, I did back to back courses. Okay, yes, it is only two and a half hours a week. But for me, that was (and is) a lot. By the time I finished the session I was in so much pain and so fatigued that I would spend the following six days stuck in bed before I got up and repeated my mistakes. I volunteered for every training course, award event and promotion event that I could. You would I would learn at some point, but no, I didn't.
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The Mayor of Dudley, with myself & Ann Tee, there as representatives of the EPP volunteer tutors

The reason I am telling you all this is because by being honest I am hoping that I can learn from my past mistakes and begin to gradually improve. I am not expecting miracles, I am simply going to take baby-steps and be thankful for any small improvement that I may have. I have spent most of the last year in bed and my hope is to improve enough so that I will be able to to out of bed every day. That is my first goal and I am not going to get too competitive with myself. If anyone suspects that I am getting too competitive, please feel free to tell me off!

Back, medicated and choosing to smile

First thing: I'm sorry about vanishing again. I want to explain why, but I don't want to sound as though I an whining. I promise you that I am not.

My health decided that it was about time I was reminded just how bad the pain was when I first became ill. I actually have several chronic pain conditions, one or two of which flare up every now and again but usually stay around mid-range. My worst condition(s), fibromyalgia and pain amplification syndrome, hover high up on the pain chart. All conditions decided to hit me at once with their worst efforts. I am very grateful that I have much better medication now than I did eleven years ago when the fibromyalgia decided to first make its presence felt. It was the worst pain I have felt for a long time, it did hit that 10 on my personal pain-scale. I am still embarrassed that I cried over it.

I will say that I am also very embarrassed about having to phone up my husband and ask him to come home to give me a pain relief injection while he was visiting his mom and taking her food shopping. It is also something that I am very grateful he asked to be taught how to give the injections, as the very busy emergency G.P. service takes several hours before a doctor attends. That is several hours where I am in agony and my husband gets to witness me in agony. Not pleasant for either of us. I swear like a navvy at the best of times, you really don't want to hear my language when I am in that much pain!

During the several hours it takes to get an out-of-hours doctor to visit we first have to telephone to request the visit; at that point the caller is questioned about why we need the service. They almost always ask to speak to me; not an easy task as I have some speech problems and I'm usually struggling not to scream with pain at that point. The calls and questions usually take place over one to two hours, sometimes longer. After the initial call from us, we then receive a call back from a nurse, who asks the same questions again. Finally we receive a call from the doctor who not only asks the same questions for a third time, but also told me - the last time I used the service - that I had called too often (two to three times a year) and they would no longer attend. He told me that I would have to go to the hospital in future.

While I appreciate that they are extremely busy and it must be frustrating for them that they had to attend my home more than once a year, I am bed-bound a great deal of the time. If I wasn't then I would have attended the walk-in out of hours clinic located near to/at the hospital and wouldn't have telephoned them in the first place. If I cannot stand up, then it is pretty much impossible for me to get out of bed, get dressed, walk down the stairs, to the car and so on. I felt very stuck and very angry when they first told me this. I was especially angry that the doctor who attended was not well versed in giving injections. This was something I discussed with the NHS and several doctors and nurses that I know and I am aware of the reason behind a number of out-of-hours doctors being poor at giving injections. It is also one of the reasons that I am very grateful that my husband was taught how to give IM injections.

It is frustrating for medical professionals not to be able to cure their patients. It is a damn site more frustrating to be the patient that cannot be cured. How you handle things though, is your choice. Our emotions are affected by body chemistry, circumstance, our life and life-style, but I strongly believe that there is an element of choice in there. I choose not to be a miserable, moaning and angry individual over my health. What would be the point? The person I am most going to upset if I react and behave like that is me. I can think of no good reason why I would want to make myself miserable and angry. We all have bad days, and we are allowed to. Forgive yourself for those bad days and keep moving forward with a  smile. One day we are all going to be able to kick our health issues - or other life issues - up the arse and throw them in the bin. I'm looking forward to that day and saving an evil cackle followed by a big smile for the occasion!