Frustration bites

Do you ever feel like just standing there screaming, raging, until your voice gives out? I suppose that in many ways it is different for able-bodied people, I must admit I can no longer remember what it feels like to just be able to get up and go outside for a bike ride, a walk, a drive; to just be able to get up and do whatever takes your fancy. I appreciate that there are time and money constraints on all of us, but to feel trapped, not able to even get up and go outside to sit in the garden...sometimes it is hard and I want to just scream to the world.

Yes, I have done a lot since I first became ill to the extent where I became bed-bound in 2004. I have gained four higher education qualifications in that time, including two degrees, via the Open University. I have volunteered as a tutor/facilitator for the 'Chronic Disease Self Management Programme' where I (hopefully) helped people to get more out of their life and gain greater control over long-term health conditions. I have met amazing people both in real-life and online - though I don't understand why online friends are considered any less 'real' than people you may see face to face. To me, all are as valuable and unique as each other, regardless how we communicate. I feel I have achieved a lot, yet sometimes I still want to scream.

There are moments that the reality of my situation can just slap me round the face and leave me stunned, wondering why everything had to change so much. These are the moments when I wish, wish, that I could borrow the Doctor's TARDIS and just alter the time-line somehow. But again, when it comes down to it, if that happened I also question whether I would actually alter anything. I like aspects of my life, I just...oh, I don't know. I love that I achieved my qualifications, even if I did only manage a 2:1 and there were moments when I struggled to submit anything because the fatigue and pain overwhelmed me. I just don't like not being able to drive out to the Common and run round like a five year old hyped up on artificial additives.

I am tempted - SO tempted - to freak my neighbours out and scream. I will if you dare me to...