Memory, distortion and a fantastic childhood experience...

Pete and I were talking about memories last night and how our perceptions of events can change over time. We have a couple of very obvious examples where extended family members tell people that they did something that they could not possibly have done, due to age or other factors. I am sure that a lot of other people can think of similar examples too, either friends or family members that tell the world that they did something selfless or had a worse upbringing than they did and so on and so forth. 

I did a course a while back, called Understanding Global Heritage, through Open University where memory and the effects of time were discussed as part of one of the units. I found the concept of memory distortion (article on memory distortion) particularly interesting, especially as it is something I have witnessed first hand. I have kept a diary  - on and off - for years and tend to make quite long, detailed entries for significant events. One particular conversation with an individual was something I had found extremely distressing at the time and so had written down everything the person had told me. In great detail. Several years later we were discussing the events in general terms and I raised the particulars that the person had told me. They insisted that they had never told me, that these events had, in fact, never happened and that I was obviously making this up. At the time I was both shocked and confused. I started to doubt my own recollection of the conversation, until I re-read my diary. Now, no doubt I had my own perceptions of the conversation at the time and these formed part of the diary entry, but the conversation and events in question did most definitely happen. I was actually quite worried about the person in question until I read through the module unit and did some research of my own into the subject. I still worry a little because of the actual events, but a lot less than I did initially. 

It also made me think about the events that have taken place in my own life, things that I remember (or how I remember them) and stories that I have been told by people who are no longer around. I do not want those stories to be lost; I want there to be a record of them somewhere real, not just online but something tangible. I have decided that I am going to buy a nice, good quality, attractive note book and start writing down all those events that I can remember, all the stories I have been told, so that there is a record of them. Even if the only person who ever reads it is me, at least I will remember the events the way that I remember them now and not further distorted by time and place. 

One of the greatest sets of childhood memories that I have is of growing up spending almost all of every school holiday in Wales on a farm in Pembrokeshire - or Dyfed as it was when I was very little. To have grown up being able to collect eggs every morning, to help feed the calves buckets of milk, help herd the cattle, go to the cattle market with the farmer and his wife, pick fruit and veg, ride on a tractor and oh, so much more! I had the greatest time imaginable when I was a kid and I have to say that I am so glad that I had the opportunities that I did. I would not have traded my time on the farm, which I still go to by the way, for anything. While friends would maybe go off for two weeks in over-crowded Spain, with 'organised fun' (I cannot think of anything worse) I got to explore a fantastic farm and have a truly amazing childhood. I want each of those memories to stay as fresh and true as I can make them. Although I wish I had written some of them down sooner, I think that I am going to have a great deal of fun remembering and getting them down on paper now.

Living with chronic pain

My husband and I were talking to a friend recently about pain, what it is like to live with and how we cope with it.

Now looking briefly at my GP's letter to the DWP, I am diagnosed with fibromyalgia, CRPS, unusual forms of migraine that affect one side of the body and endometriosis - as far as pain conditions go. My husband also has chronic pain from two collapsed vertebrae, which impact on the nerve going down his right arm and have caused damage, as well as a serious leg injury which is currently undergoing treatment. We know a little about living with pain. 

People who do not have pain will occasionally say things like "You get used to pain" or "After a while you start to not feel it so much". Both of these statements are completely inaccurate. You do not get used to pain, although you get used to being in pain. Those are completely different things. The pain is still there and you still feel it as much as you ever did, but you become so used to being in that much pain that when you have brief moments where it vanishes you are utterly surprised. Often you do not realise what has happened until that brief moment has passed and the pain is back.

Does living with chronic pain mean that you cannot be productive? 

Of course it does not! Many people are still able to live full and realtively normal lives while being in chronic pain. They may have to make some adjustments to the way they do things or use coping methods, but they are still able to work. They are still able to walk, to do their hobbies, socialise and generally live their lives. 

For some people, like me, the pain is more wide-spread and more serious. That does not mean that I am unable to enjoy life though, it just means that I have to do things differently to other people. I live in a combination of having to plan things ahead of time and being aware that even with long-standing plans I may have to cancel at the last minute because of the severity of pain I am experiencing. 

I spend most of my time bed bound. The pain is not my only problem, in fact for me it is not the worst problem. But it is one of the more significant reasons that I end up stuck in bed and not able to leave my home. There are some hobbies that have fallen by the wayside purely because I am no longer physically able to do them. But I have also picked up some hobbies that I had abandoned long ago, like my drawing. I also study, I write - for example - My 'zombie blog', though that is not the only writing I do (really it's just something silly to keep me entertained). I also have a try at different things, some of which I decide are not for me, but others I pick up and do on the odd occasion; I have a half knitted scarf sitting beside my as I type, I have a book on patchwork on the other side of me. I read a huge amount of fiction, largely sci-fi and horror because I like to escape. 

You do not have to be a brilliant artist to draw, you do not have to be a brilliant writer to write and you do not have to be the greatest singer in the world to sing. Whatever hobby you do that keeps you entertained is fantastic and who cares how good your are at it - the only person whose opinion matters is yours. If it is fun and you enjoy it, then do it. 

The point of bringing up my hobbies is this: when you live in constant, agonising pain you need a distraction. You cannot have people talking to you 24/7 because sometimes your brain will not work, or sometimes you will be so angry and frustrated at the pain that you cannot tolerate other people around you. They also may not want to be on the receiving end of your temper all the time, no matter how much they love you. Hobbies can be a wonderful distraction and they form part of our combination of methods of coping and managing the pain. 

Yes, I am medicated. I am on morphine patches, which give me a constant steady feed of drugs. I take a whole host of other medications, not all for pain. But I tell you what, distraction works almost better than the meds. 

Having people visit can be wonderful though and the best distraction/medicine going. They say that laughter is a wonderful medicine and I cannot disagree. Spending too much time alone can be dangerous for a pain patient. It gives our brains too much time to think on the negative things in our lives and we can end up becoming depressed, or worse. We need people around us, but we also need people to be patient and understand that living with chronic pain is difficult. It can make us forgetful, partially because of medication, and it can make us a bit short tempered and irritable. Keep talking to us for more than a few minutes though and I promise that not only will we have fun, you will also make more difference to the life of a chronic pain sufferer than you can ever understand

I would say that is it probably best to just drop a quick call or text first to make sure I am awake or there is a chance you will just be knocking and knocking with no answer. Of course, if I am on my own I will not actually be able to get to the door to answer it anyway - though I guess we could shout through the letter box! The bedroom is next to the front door, sort of, so that could work - see, I'm adaptable. Huh! I am pretty sure I read that it was the species and people that were able to adapt quickly that survived the last ice age. On that logic pain patients are the perfect survivors; there is no-one more adapatable than a pain patient who happens to be a good self-manager!